Hey yo, just posting from an early-1990's dance floor here. Kidding, I'm at The Lego Movie, haha I wasn't even ALIVE in the early 90's! Haha! Shut up it was not my high school graduation song I didn't even GO to high school. Wait, do over. I, your omniscient yet not explicitly identified narratrix, am misrepresenting the lovely females of CLAW, who are, to a woman, smarter and more edumicated than your average GED-havin' bear. Oh yeah, they're not just tough-ass asskickers and nametakers, they're also community builders and money raisers and creative hijinkerators. I'll prove it to you. If YOU happen to be an awesome lady who founded or co-founded a greater-Cville area cause or project, you can apply to be the beneficiary of one of CLAW's upcoming matches. Check out this handydandy page of info written by some other unidentified narratrix who was probably doing 100% less seat-dancing to 2 Unlimited. http://www.clawville.org/get-involved/charities/ See youse on the pitch May 10, 2014. I'll be the one making your ears bleed with my shrill limerick stylings unless we get those mic levels adjusted and/or I am not sucking Ready Whip cans anymore. WRISTS UP.
You all. We are trying to raise some monies here. And by "here" I mean that link to CLAW USA's Indigogo campaign to make Super CLAW 2 happen. Here are things to do:
- go look at the above link. (Bonus hysterical video!)
- give whatever you haven't given for disaster relief. (I know, I know, arm wrestling, even for charity, pales sort of hugely in the light of natural disasters, so do both, please.)
- tell everyone you know about CLAW USA's fund drive; you know, use ye olde FB and/or the Twitter and/or other social media of your choice.
- tell everyone you know again - twice is better than once, right? Right.
Come on down, y'all. It's CLAW and we're too big to fail. Forty-eight hours from right now-ish, the last arm wrestling event of 2013 will begin and you don't want to miss it. Bring yourself and all your people and your wallet with which to bet and bribe. We'll be there and we want you. Who's who this go-round?
- Malice in Wonderland
- Warren BLUFF-it and His Corporate Raiders
- The Box of Suggestion
- La Dulce Muerte
- Scarilyn Monroe
- Bergina the Bulge
- Prideina Amore Maharis
- Edmunda Sleazerhands
In serious preparation for Saturday's up coming wrestling match, some women (Ladies? Well...nah.) from CLAW took a little trip over the mountain to provide half-time entertainment for our friends the Charlottesville Derby Dames. Now, the Dames are old friends of CLAW, having provided us with many a good wrestler as well as being our go-to for security, so we didn't think twice about strapping on our regulation-strength wrestling table and heading to Fishersville for Virginia is for Shovers. There was a little wrestling, there was a little sword swallowing, there was a bed of nails.... You know, our usual deal. It looked a lot like this: And a little like this: Want to see more? Saturday 8/24/13 at the Blue Moon Diner. Gate at 7, wrestling at 8.
You can't keep a good arm down now, can you? Well, actually, that's the entire point - keeping a good arm down. Or a bad arm. The good arm ends up on top. Right. It's been the weirdest summer ever here in cville: too hot, too humid, too cold, too rainy and we are going to wrap it up for you with a CLAW that is TOO BIG TO FAIL. Just like the lottery, you can't win if you don't play! No, wait. It's CLAW - we are all winners! This round we are wrestling in support of Center for Nonprofit Excellence (that's CNE to you, buster) and, wow, are they an Everybody Wins sort of group. So come to The Blue Moon Diner on Saturday, August 24th so we can all win! Gate opens at 7 pm, wrestling starts at 8 pm. Five dollars gets you in and puts five CLAWbucks in your hot little hand so you can throw some money at your favorite wrestler or bribe an official or a celebrity judge. More CLAWbucks are available throughout the event at the current exchange rate of 1.00. Vote early and often with your wallet!
Spring has sprung! Let's spread the fever. Join us for the opening season of CLAW! 8 wacky wrestlers will compete to raise money for our beneficiary, as well as entertain you! This time around, we are raising funds for the new kids in the neighborhood, Common Grounds Healing Arts! $5 gets you in the door, with CLAWbucks for betting. There will be TWO djs, Wolfboy and Powhatan, for your musical enjoyment and boogie pleasure! If you've never been, here's your chance! If you are already a fan, get ready for the 2013 season!
So February 14th is V-day, right? Right. Because Valentine's Day is for suckers. And y'all know about The One Billion Rising, right? Right. (If not, then go educate yourself and then come back. We'll wait.) Well, because CLAW is anti-violence - contrary to what you might think, what with the wrestling and all - a mess of wrestlers are "creating a VIRTUAL DANCE PARTY". The party starts here and goes on and on. And on. (ETA: you can follow the whole chain on ol’ FB here or track it through Twitter.) The Empire was lucky enough to get to ask some of our wrestlers a true handful of questions, drawing forth telling and revealing (telling *and* revealing!) answers, giving you, sweet loves, a special, inside perspective on their usually very private lives. Imagine it: The Empire and her dear friends - Foxxy Cleopatra, MoJo, Miller Time and Schoolmarm - all cozily ensconced in rich leather arm chairs, the fire cracking on some cold February night, our single malt scotches close at hand.... Wait. Maybe that's The Empire's personal fantasy. Let's us just cut to the chase, yes? Yes. The Empire: What else would you be, if you weren't a Lady Arm Wrestler rising for One Billion Rising? Foxxy Cleopatra: I'd be just a plain ol' squirrel trying to get a nut aka a boring, lame doctoral student using my claw to write my way out of U.Va! MoJo: I'd be doing an instructional 'How To' video on The Cabbage Patch or Running Man. I'd been needing an excuse to dance on the internet...and this was a much more important cause than my simple-minded ego, which seems to be stuck somewhere between 1986 and 1989. Miller Time: Queen of the World. Oh wait, that's a lifetime appointment, so I guess I am simultaneously that. Schoolmarm: I will not be doing one billion rising. I do not want my passion for beating children to be curtailed. I beat both boys and girls equally, so I don't see it as a sexist issue. TE: How will you use your 15 minutes of fame brought on by rising with CLAW for One Billion Rising? FC: Oh my! There's fame involved? In that case, I'll be shaking my money making rump shaker even harder. MJ: Drop everything and hang out with Ellen Degeneres as soon as she calls. MT: It's hard to imagine being famouser? I'll probably spend 13 minutes of it wrasslin' paparazzi, and 2 minutes of it eating diamonds. SM: I won't be doing One Billion Rising. I'm head of detention this millenium. TE: Where do you see yourself in 5 years? 10 years? Next week? FC: So many questions....What do I look like a magic 8 ball to you? Skip/Pass! MJ: Still dancing. MT: 5 years: Empress of the World. 10 years: After fall from grace, Fancy Bum. Next week: Watching The Bachelor while soaking in a tub of royal jelly and texting with Taylor Swift, the usual. SM: Behind my desk. Grading papers. With a red pen. TE: How often do you dream? FC: 24/7. MJ: I never remember them - so I think rarely. MT: My life is a lurid waking dream. Excuse me, I need to change my pants. SM: Dreams are for people less disciplined than I. TE: Do you have anything special to say to your fans? FC: Besos and abrazos! MJ: Watch out for Reverend MoJo, she's rising! MT: Stay in school. Do drugs, but keep it on the DL. Be sure to use your foam roller for IT band complaints. Sugar kills. SM: Your 500 word essay is due in the morning.
It's time to wake up CLAWville, y'all. Stay tuned for fascinating info on
- when the next CLAW will be
- CLAW's high-kicking, quick-stepping, violence-stopping part in One Billion Rising
- when the next next CLAW will be
- opportunities to
throw your own self at our mercyvolunteer for CLAW
- what top-secret, super-special, possibly-tiny-but-tremendous CLAW event will happen between the next CLAW and the next next CLAW
SEPTEMBER 15-- C-Ville Pride We'll be setting up a table at C-Ville Pride. Come by on September 15 from 2 to 6 at Lee Park. Flaming G, Under the Table Ref, Blackbusch, Nurse Cheryl and Schoolmarm will all be making an appearance; you should too. SEPTEMBER 6-30--- The Mad Woman Project THURSDAY, FRIDAY, SATURDAY 6pm Join many CLAWtypes at an unCLAW event. At 6pm on the Downtown Mall at the intersection of 3rd and Main (In front of Rapture/Chaps) each Thursday, Friday and Saturday, many CLAW friends will be performing in The Mad Woman Project. They will then parade to the Haven for ACT 2. Contact Mendy St. Ours at firstname.lastname@example.org for more information. Last, but not least. NOVEMBER 3--- CLAW at the Blue Moon Diner. We're not exactly sure how many CLAWs we've done. We're not sure what the theme will be. We're not sure how much money we'll raise, but we do know we'll be raising it for a good cause, The Hamner Theater. Get ready to shake your rumps, work out those biceps and get primed for the coming election. Word has it we'll be pledging allegiance to the Blackbusch Nation.