CLAWville, y'all are brave, strong, beautiful people! So many of you screaming crazies came out for Hot CLAW in the Summertime on June 21, and you probably came even though you knew the weather forecast was iffy and we didn't have no tent--or, make that, we DID have no tent. TENTLESS SUMMERTIME CLAW LOVIN'. Your courage was rewarded when the torrential rain arrived AFTER the match. WOOOT! I'm a witch, y'all, so I personally would have melted? Embarrassing...!!! And y'all are generous people! We know, onaccounta we were able to give Luna Cream $1,591.oo for support of their burgeoning local bidness. That's so freakin' awesome! THANK YOU! I could spend a lot of time painting you a vivid word picture of the match goings on, or I could punt and just paste in a bunch of actual pictures. And although I am a TOTAL WORD ARTIST, Imma just rely on the photo artistry of the estimable Rich Tarbell because it's hot and the futbol's on the telly in a bit. PRIORITIES. These here were the wrasslers: Afro-Dytee won the whole shebang, the wrasslin AND the audience favorite. We're not worthy!!! Ya seen the best, now here's the rest! From top, Sarah Painlin, Sailor Doom, Ringleader, Rainbow Fright, The Decomposer, Darth Mater, and poor ole Millertime, who tricked them into letting her wrestle, but did not find the fame and lifelong glory she was magical-thinking she would. 🙁 As always, the artistry, creativity, and crazy were at extremely high levels. Thanks so, so much to all the wrasslers for puttin' it way out there! Our last match of 2014 is on Saturday, August 23 at the Blue Moon Diner at 8pm. Y'all! Y'ALL! Don't miss it!!!!!!!
Hot DAMN! It's just about that time again, ladies n' germs n' gentlewomen n' friend boys n' bitches n' shy guys n' She Ra n' fruit loops n' EVERYBUGGY! What time is that, you ask? You're only asking because you haven't been paying attention, silly. It's CLLLLAAAAAAWWWWW TIIIIIIIIME!!! Tomorrow night! June 21! Blue Moon Diner! 8 pm! Under the stars! If it's under the clouds, we'll move the whole shebang inside old skool CLAW stylee! It's gonna be hot and happenin' and high times! SEE amazing wrasslers including but not limited to: Rainbow Fright! Darth Mater! Sailor Doom! Sarah Painlin! The Decomposer! Afro-Dytee! PLUS GREAT SURPRISES!!!!!!!!!! I MIGHT ALREADY KNOW ABOUT ONE OF THEM BUT I CAN'T TELL YOU GUYS BECAUSE SOOPRIIIIIIIZE! FOR YOU, ANYWAY! I ALREADY KNOW! I KNOW STUFF! FEEL moved to give the wrasslers all your money, and by extension our June beneficiary Luna Cream! Luna Cream is a local start-up owned by a rawkin' woman entrepreneur! Luna Cream pledges to give 10% of its profits to local nonprofits! Luna Cream is creamy dreamy goodness for your skin suit! Check it!!! TASTE the delicious vittles and cold, refreshing bevvies provided by the Blue Moon Diner! SMELL... I don't know what you'll smell. I personally tend to smell my lip gloss pretty strongly on account of it's smeared on my upper lip and that is geographically right below my nose. So. SMELL whatever is right below your nose! WHAT SENSE AM I ON NOW? I have lost track! Whatever! COME OUT to the Blue Moon Diner and have a rip roaring good time because it's CLAW and it's never not the funnest! See youse there and WRISTS UP! Photo by the talented Bud Branch.
C-ville in the summah! Humidity so thick you could eat it with a spoon on top of sugared raspberries. You take a shower because you're sweaty, sweat in the shower, get out and towel off, and keep right on sweating. You stand packed into a tent of shouting spectators, watching two fully costumed crazy ladies wrassle to the pain, cold beer sweating in one hand, sweaty CLAW bucks waving in the other. Summer is GOOD TIMES, y'all! No better times than summer! No summertime's complete without your CLAWs! We CLAWs are busy preparing for Hot CLAW in the Summertime, coming up Saturday, June 21 at 8 pm at the Blue Moon Diner. We're flexing! We're smack talking! We're running up and down steps! We're resting, because it's too hot for that shit! We're drinking our electrolytes! We're hula hooping, which is so much harder for us now than it was when we were kids! We're floating on pool floats with cold glasses of iced tea hahahaha yeah right we're at work! We're strutting in front of full-length mirrors modeling our various amazing costume ensembles! We're smizing and snarling and raising the roof at ourselves! We are looking FIERCE! You do not want to miss us! You especially do not want to miss out on supporting our June beneficiary, Luna Cream! Luna Cream is all-natural skin care made with just FOUR completely recognizable organic ingredients, and packaged in recyclable material. The company, founded and run locally, makes monthly donations of 10% of its profits to community non-profits. They aim to offer a product that is mindful of the earth, and conscious of our community. Luna Cream sez, "YOU GLOW GIRL!" You can getcher VIP seats for Hot CLAW in the Summertime at jean theory: on the Downtown Mall. What ARE VIP seats, you're wondering? They are only the best way to watch a CLAW match in comfort and style! You get to SIT DOWN. You get a great VIEW. Somebody brings you DRINKS. You don't have to interact with the HOI POLLOI. Unless that's the kind of thing you LIKE TO DO, then interact away! And they're also the very best way to support the beneficiary, so toodle on down to jean theory: and buy you some! And whilst you're toodling, be sure to swing by the Blue Moon Diner before June 21 to eat some bacon and check out Rich Tarbell's show Shadowy People from a Shadowy Planet: The CLAW Silhouettes. In the words of Olon Pills, Rich's marginal alter ego, "this exhibit debuts 30 French Basquesque contour lineations aggrandizing an ensemble of muliebrous combatants." So there ya go. Sample below! See youse soon! Or else!!! Wrists up!
It's been a coupla weeks, but I, for one, am still high as a kite on life thanks to CLAW'S your mom! All our love and gratitude to an enthusiastic crowd who came out, came on strong, and gave generously! The Wayside Center for Popular Education! Whuuuuut, I KNOW!!! NOT TOO SHABBY! Our celebrity judges, Andy Deane and Tony Lechmanski of Bella Morte, plus Jim Waive, celebrity judge FER LIFE, were especially awesomesauce! You guys put the bribe in bribery! Big thanks and mad love going out to Friend Of CLAW, the fabulous photog Rich Tarbell! (All photos in this post by Rich, bien sur.) Check out his badassery-in-general! Book him for your next extremely cool music show or event! And also check out Rich's CLAW'S your mom badassery-in-particular, where through the magic of photographs you can relive the match in all its whacked-out splendor. I've done it several times. Unless I owe you some kind of deliverable, in which case I have not looked at those pictures once, even though I suspect there may be some awfully awesome ones of moi yours truly, because discipline and time non-wasting! And now I leave you with this question, Clawville... Have you taken a Kegel Break today? See youse June 21 at 8pm at the Blue Moon Diner for the next CLAW, Hot CLAW in the Summertime, and we expect lady parts of STEEL!We made $1,068 smackers for the good folks at
Here comes Mother's Day, people. And even if you conveniently proclaim it a Hallmark Holiday and thus beneath you to celebrate, like certain highly-principled-around-this-topic husband-type people I could mention, but would never actually mention in this very public forum (his name's Rob) (not really) (psych) (ROB THIS MEANS YOU) (no, no, his name isn't Rob, but he knows who he is) (and "Rob", I could use a massage), you love your mom, or your baby mama, or maybe you love them but don't always like them, or maybe you don't love OR like them, but look. Here's what's up. Moms work hard. Look at you, you're a jerk. Your mom worked SO HARD on you. And that's what your baby mama is doing too--sweatin' it out. Motherhood's not for sissies. You should be appreciating the foxy mamas in your life, and you should be letting them know it. BUT HOW. You could do flowers and brunch, but honey, it's been done. You could do a gift certificate, but yawn. You could make her some window boxes and plant them with geraniums, and actually, that would be lovely, you should do that. But just in case that doesn't appeal, you know what you should REALLY do for the mom(s) in your life? Take 'em to CLAW's your mom on Mother's Day Eve. Bring lots of singles, let Mom bet on the wrasslin', buy her a brewski and a plate of french fries, HELL YOU MIGHT EVEN SPRING FOR A CLAW TEE SHIRT. Again, look at yourself. You're a douchenozzle. Redemption is the aim. For once in your miserable life, do something for Mom she's really going to enjoy. I mean, check out this line-up of wrestlers! AMAZE! See you and her at the Blue Moon Diner at 8 pm on May 10. Wrists up!!!
Did I get your attention? WAIT DON'T CLICK AWAY I'M JUST KIDDING THIS ISN'T ABOUT THAT. Oh! Unless you do happen to be a mom who also wants to get her war on in a female-wrestling-type-format! Then you should stay! You should stay, and you should read on, and you should ask yourself what you're doing the night of Saturday, May 10, and you should tell yourself that whatever you were going to be doing, you should actually switch to be doing this instead, this being wrestling at CLAW with an entourage of your besties, raising money for a great cause and rocking the hell out of a fabulous alter-ego persona. Like, you could be Working Grrrrl if you're a working mom, and all your entourage peeps could be dressed like executives and then rip their suit coat sleeves off and flex, or you could be The Housefrau if you're a stay at home mom, and your entourage could be smoking cigarettes and wearing house dresses and slippers and foam curlers, or I'm just spitballing here because I think both of those might have already been done by other people? Anyway, this is not exclusive outreach to MOTHERS anyway, you don't have to have a kid or even like kids to like the stuffing out of wrassling. Point being, we're looking for a few good womyns to wrestle on May 10, and if you think you fit that description you should shoot us an email via our contact link and we will contact you back like lightning! POW! ZAP! Internet lightning! And if you're wavering, all like, "Well, I don't know, maybe I just want to couch sit that evening and catch up on back epis of Top Chef," you should check out our beneficiary for this match, which is the good folks fighting the good fight over at The Wayside Center for Popular Education. Look, you can learn all about them here: http://www.waysidecenter.org/about/ Motivating, am I right? Those people do more good in a week than I do in... Well, an embarrassingly long amount of time. Possibly a life-length amount. So. Anyhoodle. Gotta go. I'm a stay at home mom type, myself, and these bonbons aren't going to eat themselves, and plus I have a lot of US Weeklys to catch up on. Wrists up and peace out, peoples.
Hey yo, just posting from an early-1990's dance floor here. Kidding, I'm at The Lego Movie, haha I wasn't even ALIVE in the early 90's! Haha! Shut up it was not my high school graduation song I didn't even GO to high school. Wait, do over. I, your omniscient yet not explicitly identified narratrix, am misrepresenting the lovely females of CLAW, who are, to a woman, smarter and more edumicated than your average GED-havin' bear. Oh yeah, they're not just tough-ass asskickers and nametakers, they're also community builders and money raisers and creative hijinkerators. I'll prove it to you. If YOU happen to be an awesome lady who founded or co-founded a greater-Cville area cause or project, you can apply to be the beneficiary of one of CLAW's upcoming matches. Check out this handydandy page of info written by some other unidentified narratrix who was probably doing 100% less seat-dancing to 2 Unlimited. http://www.clawville.org/get-involved/charities/ See youse on the pitch May 10, 2014. I'll be the one making your ears bleed with my shrill limerick stylings unless we get those mic levels adjusted and/or I am not sucking Ready Whip cans anymore. WRISTS UP.
From the Cville Niche Buzz blog: http://cvillenichebuzz.wordpress.com/2011/11/21/a-clawnucopia-celebration/
The horror. The horror. The Homewrecker is back. She's here to take it all and crush, devour, or seduce everything and everyone in her wake. The end of times didn't happen in May. We saved it for August 13th. Proceeds from this event benefit Lauren Moran, our own CLAW wrassler who broke her arm in February, and the CLAW emergency fund. To reserve your limited ringside seating, email Sara Elizabeth TODAY! Our house band We Are Star Children is on vacation. We're excited to welcome... FEATURED BANDS: The Invisible Hand Red Rattles Books and the End of Books "Are my methods unsound?" --Homewrecker