Mommy Wars

Did I get your attention? WAIT DON’T CLICK AWAY I’M JUST KIDDING THIS ISN’T ABOUT THAT.

Oh! Unless you do happen to be a mom who also wants to get her war on in a female-wrestling-type-format! Then you should stay! You should stay, and you should read on, and you should ask yourself what you’re doing the night of Saturday, May 10, and you should tell yourself that whatever you were going to be doing, you should actually switch to be doing this instead, this being wrestling at CLAW with an entourage of your besties, raising money for a great cause and rocking the hell out of a fabulous alter-ego persona.

Like, you could be Working Grrrrl if you’re a working mom, and all your entourage peeps could be dressed like executives and then rip their suit coat sleeves off and flex, or you could be The Housefrau if you’re a stay at home mom, and your entourage could be smoking cigarettes and wearing house dresses and slippers and foam curlers, or I’m just spitballing here because I think both of those might have already been done by other people? Anyway, this is not exclusive outreach to MOTHERS anyway, you don’t have to have a kid or even like kids to like the stuffing out of wrassling.

Point being, we’re looking for a few good womyns to wrestle on May 10, and if you think you fit that description you should shoot us an email via our contact link and we will contact you back like lightning! POW! ZAP! Internet lightning!

And if you’re wavering, all like, “Well, I don’t know, maybe I just want to couch sit that evening and catch up on back epis of Top Chef,” you should check out our beneficiary for this match, which is the good folks fighting the good fight over at The Wayside Center for Popular Education. Look, you can learn all about them here:

http://www.waysidecenter.org/about/

Motivating, am I right? Those people do more good in a week than I do in… Well, an embarrassingly long amount of time. Possibly a life-length amount. So.

Anyhoodle. Gotta go. I’m a stay at home mom type, myself, and these bonbons aren’t going to eat themselves, and plus I have a lot of US Weeklys to catch up on. Wrists up and peace out, peoples.

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Y’all Ready For This (da na na nuh nuh nuh NUH NUH NUH NUH nuh nuh nuh NUH NUH NUH NUH)

Hey yo, just posting from an early-1990′s dance floor here. Kidding, I’m at The Lego Movie, haha I wasn’t even ALIVE in the early 90′s! Haha! Shut up it was not my high school graduation song I didn’t even GO to high school.

Wait, do over. I, your omniscient yet not explicitly identified narratrix, am misrepresenting the lovely females of CLAW, who are, to a woman, smarter and more edumicated than your average GED-havin’ bear. Oh yeah, they’re not just tough-ass asskickers and nametakers, they’re also community builders and money raisers and creative hijinkerators. I’ll prove it to you. If YOU happen to be an awesome lady who founded or co-founded a greater-Cville area cause or project, you can apply to be the beneficiary of one of CLAW’s upcoming matches. Check out this handydandy page of info written by some other unidentified narratrix who was probably doing 100% less seat-dancing to 2 Unlimited.

http://www.clawville.org/get-involved/charities/

See youse on the pitch May 10, 2014. I’ll be the one making your ears bleed with my shrill limerick stylings unless we get those mic levels adjusted and/or I am not sucking Ready Whip cans anymore. WRISTS UP.

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You all. We are trying to raise some monies here. And by “here” I mean that link to CLAW USA’s Indigogo campaign to make Super CLAW 2 happen.

Here are things to do:

  1. go look at the above link. (Bonus hysterical video!)
  2. give whatever you haven’t given for disaster relief. (I know, I know, arm wrestling, even for charity, pales sort of hugely in the light of natural disasters, so do both, please.)
  3. tell everyone you know about CLAW USA’s fund drive; you know, use ye olde FB and/or the Twitter and/or other social media of your choice.
  4. tell everyone you know again – twice is better than once, right? Right.

 

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Last Chance in 2013!

Come on down, y’all. It’s CLAW and we’re too big to fail.

Forty-eight hours from right now-ish, the last arm wrestling event of 2013 will begin and you don’t want to miss it. Bring yourself and all your people and your wallet with which to bet and bribe. We’ll be there and we want you.

Who’s who this go-round?

  • Malice in Wonderland
  • Warren BLUFF-it and His Corporate Raiders
  • The Box of Suggestion
  • La Dulce Muerte
  • Scarilyn Monroe
  • Bergina the Bulge
  • Prideina Amore Maharis
  • Edmunda Sleazerhands

This is a line up that promises an amazing night of Real Live Arm Wrestling! Don’t miss it!

CLAW: Too Big To Fail

Saturday, August 24th 8 pm (gate opens at 7 pm)

Blue Moon Diner

Proceeds to benefit CNE

 

 

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what we did last weekend

In serious preparation for Saturday’s up coming wrestling match, some women (Ladies? Well…nah.) from CLAW took a little trip over the mountain to provide half-time entertainment for our friends the Charlottesville Derby Dames.

Now, the Dames are old friends of CLAW, having provided us with many a good wrestler as well as being our go-to for security, so we didn’t think twice about strapping on our regulation-strength wrestling table and heading to Fishersville for Virginia is for Shovers.

There was a little wrestling, there was a little sword swallowing, there was a bed of nails…. You know, our usual deal.

It looked a lot like this:

if anybody can strap it one, we can

And a little like this:

Want to see more? Saturday 8/24/13 at the Blue Moon Diner. Gate at 7, wrestling at 8.

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CLAW: Too Big To Fail

You can’t keep a good arm down now, can you?

Well, actually, that’s the entire point – keeping a good arm down. Or a bad arm. The good arm ends up on top. Right.

It’s been the weirdest summer ever here in cville: too hot, too humid, too cold, too rainy and we are going to wrap it up for you with a CLAW that is TOO BIG TO FAIL.

Just like the lottery, you can’t win if you don’t play! No, wait. It’s CLAW – we are all winners!

This round we are wrestling in support of Center for Nonprofit Excellence (that’s CNE to you, buster) and, wow, are they an Everybody Wins sort of group. So come to The Blue Moon Diner on Saturday, August 24th so we can all win! Gate opens at 7 pm, wrestling starts at 8 pm. Five dollars gets you in and puts five CLAWbucks in your hot little hand so you can throw some money at your favorite wrestler or bribe an official or a celebrity judge. More CLAWbucks are available throughout the event at the current exchange rate of 1.00. Vote early and often with your wallet!

 

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New CLAW April 27!!

Spring has sprung! Let’s spread the fever.
Join us for the opening season of CLAW! 8 wacky wrestlers will compete to raise money for our beneficiary, as well as entertain you!
This time around, we are raising funds for the new kids in the neighborhood, Common Grounds Healing Arts!
$5 gets you in the door, with CLAWbucks for betting.
There will be TWO djs, Wolfboy and Powhatan, for your musical enjoyment and boogie pleasure!
If you’ve never been, here’s your chance! If you are already a fan, get ready for the 2013 season!

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BETTY to headline..SuperCLAW coming to the Jefferson on June 16!

Charlottesville is the proud home of the first theatrical, philanthropic ladies arm wrestling league, CLAW (Charlottesville Lady Arm Wrestlers), founded in 2008. Originally an idea that sprang from a joke between friends, the ladies arm wrestling phenomenon has spread to 16 cities so far and captured the attention of the New YorkTimes, the Guardian, Washington Post, MORE Magazine, and Penthouse, to name a few. On June 16th, Charlottesville will host the inaugural championship, SuperCLAW, featuring a face-off between women from the first 8 leagues. Arm-warriors from Charlottesville, DC, New Orleans, Kingston, Brooklyn, Austin, Chicago, and Durham will compete for the Cape de CLAW and a large cash prize to donate back to their communities. Here’s the lineup:

PLEASE GO TO THE CLAWUSA website to check out full bios of the wrestlers and the organizations they’re fightin’ for!

Pain Fonda

1. Austin: Pain Fonda (wrestling for Community Yoga Austin)

2. Brooklyn: Cop-ophelia (wrestling for Center for Anti-Violence education)

3. Charlottesville: The Homewrecker (wrestling for A FERTILE Foundation)

4. Chicago: Armageddon (wrestling for Sideshow Theater Company)

5. DC: TBD (wrestling for Ladies Auxiliary of the American Legion Post 8 )

6. Durham: The Dirty Butcher (wrestling for Durham Crisis Response Center)

7. Hudson Valley: Heather Weizen (wrestling for Family Planning Advocates)

8. New Orleans: Sistah Mary Slammer (wrestling for Hagar’s House, a transitional home for women and children in New Orleans )

There will be exhibition wrestling & shenanigans from other leagues & musical performances from We Are Star Children and BETTY.

Betty

Get tickets now: http://www.jeffersontheater.com/superclaw

or wait for…

Pay-What-You-Can tickets, which will be available at the door the night of the event on a first-come, first-served basis.

We are Star Children

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When Rita Wins, We All Win (if you are big-hearted and not disappointed like all the wrastlers she put the smackdown on)

Photos by Martyn Kyle of Pernmoot Photography www.pernmoot.com

On March 24, 2012, over $3,400 was raised for VOCAL Virginia and Rita the Wrench won the whole thing. She celebrated without shame.

Miller Time, Johnny Longarm and Nurse Cheryl provided the best in safety and crowd facilitation (bribing and betting)

Miller Time struggled with her tiara and Johnny Longarm gave out penalties like they were Skittles.

DJ Western Front making it impossible to be still.

Billy Hunt was there working on the CLAW movie.  Hester Prynne took the popularity award and her entourage escaped captivity and danced like fools.

When Tina and Tammy (the TipTop Twins) were asked who they were, Tina said, “We’re idiots.”  On that note, we’ll see all you idiots in June at SuperClaw.

Many thanks to the wonderful photography of Martyn Kyle.  Check out his daily photography blogwww.pernmoot.com
pernmoot.wordpress.com

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The Homewrecker…on how to catch a man and other instructions for life

Shot and edited by Billy Hunt and featuring the wonderful music of the Birdlips, The Homewrecker gives a modern girl some simple instructions on how to live a good life, a happy life…a fulfilling life.
CLAW, this Saturday, March 24 at Blue Moon Diner.

General admission tickets are $5 and available at the door. There are a few ringside seats ($75) left. Please email Malaina Poore at malaina@vocalvirginia.org or call 434.243.7878 ext. 22 to make reservations.  Doors open at 7 p.m., wrastlin’ starts at 8 p.m.

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What do you love about CLAW?

UPCOMING CLAW…….MARCH 24, 2012

At the BLUE MOON DINER.  Gates open at 7pm, wrestling starts at 8pm. $5 at the door.
Music from Pantherburn, TJ Kong & the Atomic Bomb and DJ Western Front.

Bring cash.  There are ringside seats available.  Please contact Malaina Poore at Malaina@VocalVirginia.org (434)243-7878 ext 22 (888)771-2030.

Recently, I asked some CLAW wrastlers what they LOVED about CLAW. Here’s what they had to say:

Many thanks to Billy Hunt for the incredible photography here.

Stiletto Southpaw

Bree Luck (“Stiletto Southpaw”)
What I love about CLAW is:
1. Powerful women raising powerful funding for small, strong organizations that pack a powerful punch for our community.
2. Getting to wrassle with women from all walks of life in Charlottesville. I admire their strength, their style, and their soul.
3. Having the excuse to make the transformation from stressed out mom/schoolmarm to a badass superhero once in a while.
4. It gets me to the gym.

Tropical Depression

Mendy St.Ours (“Tropical Depression”):
What I love most is embracing absurdity, hilarity, extremities, and vulgarity for one night every three months. Giving women, who are always the responsible ones, the anchors for the dreamers, the nest-guardians, one night to SSSCCCCRRREEEEAAAAMMMMMMM!!!!

Tropical Depression and the Jamaican Mafia

Edwina Herring “Jamaican Mafia”:
I love so many things about it. I like that it combines visceral thrills with theatrical elements… I love the causes they support.

Miller Time

Miller Murray Susen (“Miller Time”):
I loved when I started wrestling with CLAW that very few people knew who I “really” was, and I could totally escape into a freewheeling, larger-than-my-life alter ego–leave the frantic tedium of housewifery behind for a few supercharged hours. Of course, by now I’ve been outed as a frumpy housefrau, but the community has grown so close-knit and supportive that I still feel safe acting out and stirring it up. I’m as “sexy” and cuckoo as I wanna be, just for the magical evening. In short, when a CLAW’s going on, there’s no place in Cville I’d rather be spending time.

Pit Bull

Tara Bobara (“Pit Bull”):
What do I love about CLAW? I love the fact that I can participate in something so simple that raises so much money and consciousness, and does so much good in the community. I love the fact that I can come out and be something that I’m not, and be appreciated in all of my gaudy, contradictory weirdness, just as much as I am appreciated in my real life and my real persona. I love the fact that women are so powerful in so many different ways, and that CLAW is a celebration of all of them. The mental, the physical, the passionate, the creative, the communal forces of divine womanhood are all represented in CLAW.

Because it bears repeating:  UPCOMING CLAW…….MARCH 24, 2012…at the BLUE MOON DINER.  Gates open at 7pm, wrestling starts at 8pm. $5 at the door.
Music from Pantherburn, TJ Kong & the Atomic Bomb and DJ Western Front.
Bring cash.  There are ringside seats available.  Please contact Malaina Poore at Malaina@VocalVirginia.org (434)243-7878 ext 22 (888)771-2030.

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5 Videos That Have Nothing to Do with President’s Day and EVERYTHING to do with CLAW

NEXT CLAW: MARCH 24, 2012 AT THE BLUE MOON DINER AT 8 PM. BE THERE.

Since 2008, Billy Hunt and Brian Wimer have been helping to create, produce, edit and promote the upcoming matches of CLAW. Here’s a little video retrospective.

Move over Rocky and your raw eggs. Stiletto Southpaw takes us through her morning ritual to prepare for taking on The Punctuator.

CLAW recruitment video…and people say wrastlers don’t get discovered in diners over veggie burgers anymore…

The music video that re-inspired adding pogo stick riding (and van rocking) to the 2012 Summer Olympics

Ah…the girls…check out the promo for CLAWNEY ISLAND:

Intimate counseling footage of Nurse Cheryl getting some long-awaited mental help:

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10 Myths about CLAWnucopia

1.  The Pilgrims held the first CLAWnucopia match.

Absurd.  False.  They get credit for everything.  “They” also inspired the Prius and perforated notebook paper.  We claim the first CLAWnucopia match.  On Saturday, November 19th, give thanks for the fruits of our labor, align with your favorite wrestler, and dance.  Come see your favorite Charlottesville Fundraiser as we gather CLAWbucks for Quality Community Council.

2.  CLAWnucopia is about family.

As in annual football game in the backyard with Uncle Billy after we have lunch and we leave Mamaw crying and washing dishes in the kitchen?  No.  As in “I got all my sisters an’ me” on the way to empowering women and strengthening local communities through theater, arm wrestling and philanthropy?  Yes.  Uncle Billy (Hunt) may be around shooting extry-good photos if he’s not with Uncle Brian (Wimer) making the movie about CLAW.

3.  CLAWnucopia is a religion.

There appears to be superhuman controlling power around, and there is much rejoicing, but there isn’t much teaching and discussing.  Bribing, and wrastlin’ and strutting and get-ups and fist pumping and dancing and bands.

Beleza Brazil

We are Star Children

4.  The Pilgrims would not understand CLAWnucopia.

Spectacle would not shock the Pilgrims.

5.  All CLAWnucopia wrestlers eat turkey.

Protein is important as our ladies prepare to take down their opponents, but there has been no published early reports on whether they are training on turkey or tofurky loaf.

6.  “The Promiscuous Puritan” was the first CLAW wrestler.

She sounds like a contender, but she wasn’t the first.  Read here to learn about how CLAW got started.

7.  “The Sassy Sabbatarian”, “Plymouth Rockstar” and “Antisex Annie” are financially backed by Donald Trump.

Donald Trump’s name has been batted around as a celebrity judge, but it was tabled — he’s not ready.

8.  Pilgrims and Puritans get the best seats.

Nonsense.  Their hats are too high.  First paid, first served on this one.  Contact the Quality Community Council at 434.977.3045 if you want a ringside seat.

9.  The matches will be determined by pulling on a wishbone.

You never know what’s going to happen at CLAWnucopia.

10.  CLAWnucopia will be marching in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade.

Ann “In a Hurry” Curry and UVA’s own Katie “Pow Pow Pow Pow Take That” Couric would be natural contenders as new wrestlers for a Times Square battle, but there is no date for that at this time.  However, CLAW is spreading across the nation.  Click to read about these CLAW USA chapters: San Francisco (BAAWL), New York (Hudson Valley BRAWL and 5 Borough Ladies Arm Wrestling), Chicago (CLLAW), New Orleans (NOLAW), Washington, DC (DCLAW), Durham (LUEWWD), Austin (CLAWstin), Charlotte (QCLAW), Taos (BRAWL), and Boston (BAWD).  Get a cup of tea and LIKE all these groups on Facebook if you want to keep up with the crawl of CLAW across the country.

photo by Billy Hunt from recent NOLAW match.

At the BLUE MOON DINER.  Gates open at 7pm, wrestling starts at 8pm. $5 at the door.
Music from Beleza Brazil, We are Star Children, and DJ Western Front.
Bring cash.

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CLAWnucopia…fun and mayhem APLENTY on NOVEMBER 19

In a cave on Mount Ida on the island of Crete, baby Zeus was cared for and protected by a number of divine attendants, including the goat CLAWmalthea (“Nourishing Goddess with Arms”), who fed him with her milk and egg white protein shakes. The suckling future king of the gods had unusual abilities and strength, a deathly stare, and an uncanny way to persuade celebrity judges. While wrestling with his nursemaid (who was a lawyer by day) he “accidentally” broke off one of her horns, which then had the divine power to provide unending nourishment, as the foster mother had done for the small god. This “Horn of Plenty”, or CLAWnucopia, as it became known in legend, appears throughout history in times of hunger and thirst, to provide nourishment (and money for non-profits) for all those who exert themselves for others through the divine sport of Arm Wrestling.
On Saturday, November 19th, give thanks for the fruits of our labor, align with your favorite wrestler, and dance.  Come see your favorite Charlottesville Fundraiser as we gather CLAWbucks for Quality Community Council.

At the BLUE MOON DINER.  Gates open at 7pm, wrestling starts at 8pm. $5 at the door.
Music from Beleza Brazil, We are Star Children, and DJ Western Front.
Bring cash.

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upclose and personal with CLAW’s portions of the billions rising

So February 14th is V-day, right?  Right.  Because Valentine’s Day is for suckers.  And y’all know about The One Billion Rising, right?  Right.  (If not, then go educate yourself and then come back. We’ll wait.)  Well, because CLAW is anti-violence – contrary to what you might think, what with the wrestling and all – a mess of wrestlers are “creating a VIRTUAL DANCE PARTY”.  The party starts here and goes on and on.  And on. (ETA: you can follow the whole chain on ol’ FB here or track it through Twitter.)

The Empire was lucky enough to get to ask some of our wrestlers a true handful of questions, drawing forth telling and revealing (telling *and* revealing!) answers, giving you, sweet loves, a special, inside perspective on their usually very private lives.  Imagine it: The Empire and her dear friends – Foxxy Cleopatra, MoJo, Miller Time and Schoolmarm – all cozily ensconced in rich leather arm chairs, the fire cracking on some cold February night, our single malt scotches close at hand….  Wait.  Maybe that’s The Empire’s personal fantasy.  Let’s us just cut to the chase, yes?  Yes.

The Empire: What else would you be, if you weren’t a Lady Arm Wrestler rising for One Billion Rising?

Foxxy Cleopatra: I’d be just a plain ol’ squirrel trying to get a nut aka a boring, lame doctoral student using my claw to write my way out of U.Va!

MoJo: I’d be doing an instructional ‘How To’ video on The Cabbage Patch or Running Man. I’d been needing an excuse to dance on the internet…and this was a much more important cause than my simple-minded ego, which seems to be stuck somewhere between 1986 and 1989.

Miller Time: Queen of the World. Oh wait, that’s a lifetime appointment, so I guess I am simultaneously that.

Schoolmarm: I will not be doing one billion rising. I do not want my passion for beating children to be curtailed. I beat both boys and girls equally, so I don’t see it as a sexist issue.

TE: How will you use your 15 minutes of fame brought on by rising with CLAW for One Billion Rising?

FC: Oh my!  There’s fame involved?  In that case, I’ll be shaking my money making rump shaker even harder.

MJ: Drop everything and hang out with Ellen Degeneres as soon as she calls.

MT: It’s hard to imagine being famouser? I’ll probably spend 13 minutes of it wrasslin’ paparazzi, and 2 minutes of it eating diamonds.

SM: I won’t be doing One Billion Rising. I’m head of detention this millenium.

TE: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?  10 years?  Next week?

FC:  So many questions….What do I look like a magic 8 ball to you?  Skip/Pass!

MJ: Still dancing.

MT: 5 years: Empress of the World. 10 years: After fall from grace, Fancy Bum. Next week: Watching The Bachelor while soaking in a tub of royal jelly and texting with Taylor Swift, the usual.

SM: Behind my desk. Grading papers. With a red pen.

TE: How often do you dream?

FC:  24/7.

MJ: I never remember them – so I think rarely.

MT: My life is a lurid waking dream. Excuse me, I need to change my pants.

SM: Dreams are for people less disciplined than I.

TE: Do you have anything special to say to your fans?

FC: Besos and abrazos!

MJ: Watch out for Reverend MoJo, she’s rising!

MT: Stay in school. Do drugs, but keep it on the DL. Be sure to use your foam roller for IT band complaints. Sugar kills.

SM: Your 500 word essay is due in the morning.

 

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just quick

It’s time to wake up CLAWville, y’all.

Stay tuned for fascinating info on

  •  when the next CLAW will be
  • CLAW’s high-kicking, quick-stepping, violence-stopping part in One Billion Rising
  • when the next next CLAW will be
  • opportunities to throw your own self at our mercy volunteer for CLAW
  • what top-secret, super-special, possibly-tiny-but-tremendous CLAW event will happen between the next CLAW and the next next CLAW

Things from here under the table are looking up.  Stick around, y’all.  Stick around.

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where does your allegiance lie?

Pledge Allegiance to the CLAW from Billy Hunt on Vimeo.

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